Rev. Dr. Miguel de la Torre returns to West Michigan this Tuesday, January 19, to present "Queer Eye for the Straight Bible Reader" to our OnGoing LGBT Conference: LGBT and Spirituality.
Former Hope College professor and current Associate Professor of Social Ethics at Iliff School of Theology in Denver, Colorado, Dr. de la Torre's work focuses on how religion affects race, class, and gender oppression.
Please join us this Tuesday at 4 p.m. in the Grand River Room, Kirkhof Center. This event is free and open to the public. For more information, please contact the LGBT Resource Center at (616) 331-2530 or visit our website.
Join us this Wednesday at 7 p.m. at Wealthy Theater in Grand Rapids for the film "For the Bible Tells Me So." (Doors open at 6 p.m.)
Triangle Foundation will host a panel discussion following the film. Panel members include Rev. Jim Lucas, Gays in Faith Together (GIFT); Rev. Doug Van Doren, Plymouth Congregational United Church of Christ; and Mary DeRidder, PFLAG Holland/Lakeshore.
For more information on this event, click here or call 616-459-4788.
26% of gay youth are forced to leave their home because of conflicts with family over their sexual identities. (The Journal of Pediatrics, “Male Homosexuality: The Adolescent’s Perspective”)
Two years ago today, our family grew by one member – we added Jeremy to our mix! I am celebrating this anniversary by asking Jeremy to share his story as my guest blogger.
I first learned about Jeremy in November 2005 when he contacted our (welcoming and affirming) church. Jeremy had stated in his email, “My Mom hates your church so I’m thinking it may be right for me." Jeremy and I set up a time to get together.
I walked in to that appointment and met the most adorable young man. I found Jeremy to be sincere, bright, articulate, and delightful. For the next two hours, he shared his story with me. My heart broke. When I returned home, my family wanted to know all about Jeremy. A few days later, after I had been in touch with his older sister in California who had been sending him money to help him survive, we invited him over for dinner to meet the family. Soon we invited him to live with us.
During that winter, Jeremy became a full-fledged family member: he helped with chores, hung out with us, fought with his new siblings, and made me crazy just like the other two adolescents in the family! One of my sweetest possessions is a photo the three kids had taken at the mall – all sitting on Santa’s lap! That photo anchors in our family’s history the time we shared with Jeremy. Jeremy returned to his parent’s home in the spring. Here is Jeremy’s story in his own words:
"They say that everything happens for a reason. My story begins on December 30, 2004. I had just finished one of the most powerful letters of my life. It was my step toward honesty; moving forward from where I’d been to become who I knew I was. I had written my coming out letter, quietly sent it to the printer downstairs, and gently placed in on the dining room table around 2 a.m. I crept back upstairs quietly and lay down in my bed. The next six hours consisted of tears, drifting in and out of consciousness, nightmares, cold sweats, and silent prayers to a dark and quiet room.
I tiptoed downstairs in the morning and quietly sat on the living room couch. My mom finally noticed me and nonchalantly smiled saying, “Jerm! Good morning! We got your letter. Let me get dad so we can talk about this.” I don’t want to go into details, but the following conversation consisted of things like: “This is just a phase,” and “We’ll help you work through this,” and “God loves you.” I repeatedly told them it wasn’t a phase, told them this was me, but my words fell on closed ears as they babbled away with religious words to make themselves feel better.
The next few months were chaotic. The New Year began and I pursued it with incredible strength. I had a new lease on life. Things at home weren’t as positive, however. Every month had some explosion about me burning in hell and their love for me and not wanted me to go to hell. Countless nights I tore myself apart … feeling guilty for making them feel this way, despising myself, and wishing I could make myself into someone they would love. And, at the same time, knowing who I was and knowing that it was ok to be me.
September 27, 2005 was the day I was left with impossible options. The 23rd had been my 17th birthday and I was on cloud nine. I had just gotten a car for my birthday, I got to see my boyfriend, and spend time with friends and family! I came home on the 27th to hear the whir of my mother vacuuming my room. My desk was torn apart, and she didn’t look happy. She turned off the vacuum and made her confrontation. “Who is Caleb?” Caleb was my boyfriend and apparently she had found a card from my friends that said something along the lines of “I’m so glad you get to see Caleb this weekend!” This then led to my explaining Caleb and thus breaking the ice I had been tiptoeing on for months. My mother was furious. “We’ll get you counseling. You can’t live this way!” I told her I wasn’t going to get “straight” counseling or anything like that. Leaving me the option of conforming to her beliefs and staying, or living my life and leaving … I left.
I moved in with my best friend’s family. This was also when I made some of the most self-destructive decisions of my life: drugs, alcohol, self mutilation, and an attempt at suicide with sleeping pills. Eventually I had a realization around Thanksgiving. I was hurting myself. I had to get help. This is when I took the step and emailed a local supporting church. This is how I met one of the most influential and amazing people in my life, Colette Beighley.
I met Colette at a local coffee shop and unloaded my life story. Her interest and compassion meant a lot to me. I was invited to make gingerbread houses at her home. At our next meeting, I was invited to move in. Trusting my gut, I made another move and life change. The Beighley’s pursuit of excellence for their children amazed me. They helped me find a passion for life that I never knew was possible. They went out of their way to make me feel cared for. They were not just a place to live but family in the truest definition.
I lived with them from December to April. During that time, I developed a new senseof confidence as I created and refined the person I was. That spring I did something entirely out my comfort zone and joined track. My grades in school continued to be amazing and I began to form priorities that involved bettering my future. The Beighleys gave me the courage, strength, and compassion to be me and live my life.
In April, my parents and I started to talk about my being able to come back. I made stipulations. I wouldn’t have to go to church anymore. My mother said that she could not change her views. I’d basically still have to listen to her beliefs everyday. I was at a different place though. I was strong enough to deal with that. I moved back in and said goodbye to the Beighleys. It was really hard because they had given me so much. I knew it would be good to move back with my parents and try to break the stereotypes I knew they had.
Things went fairly well. There would be guilt trips and small fights but, for the most part, it was ok! I love my parents very much and would never want it to be interpreted otherwise. We are very different people and, in some ways, very much the same in that we are held strong by what we believe.
I graduated from high school in June 2007 and moved to California on July 1st. I moved in with my sister and have continued my education in the Bay Area. I continue to grow and learn so much about people and life. Without all these experiences, I don’t think I’d be where I am today. I’ve learned that everything happens for a reason. They happen because life is about growing and creating and loving who we are."
Thank you, Jeremy, for sharing your story. We love you! One of the things that drew me to working with Triangle Foundation is their commitment to helping young people like Jeremy every day. In celebration of his time with us and this important family anniversary - I hope you'll join me in supporting our work.
Letters to the Editor VIII: Editor puts an end to "gay family" letters
After 16 weeks of conversation, the editor decides these are the last of the Letters to the Editor regarding the original article about our family. (See editor's comments below).
"Editor's note: This heavily edited letter is the last on this subject we will be running for a while. We need to give the Pastor Cross-"gay family" controversy a rest in order to catch up with our letters backlog. Thanks to all our writers for contributing to what has been a very interesting dialogue."
"Still, the Bible is like a mirror. You end up reading it not as a reflection of how it is but of how you are. If you're a bigoted, narrow person, you will find bigotry in the Bible." D. Tammet
Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
False
Words lead to VIOLENCE
Kim Roberts' interactive video installation "Focus on the Family."
On exhibit now through November 29 at Open Concept Gallery, 50 Louis NW, Grand Rapids
Kim Roberts, a professor at Grand Valley State University, took a year sabbatical to study evil. This art installation is the result of that work. The stories told in this installation expose the mean-spirited dehumanization of our human family and reveal the cultural, political, psychological, and personal consequences of hate crime in our society.
Ultimately, the work attempts to “re-humanize” the victims and asks all participants to reflect on the stories told and assess their own complicity in the ongoing discrimination and abuse of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender individuals.
My family had the privilege of participating in Kim's work. The Grand Rapids Press gave this exhibit rave reviews. We hope you will be able to join our family on Friday, November 9 from 5 to 9 p.m. as we host a special showing of this exhibit. To RSVP, please click here.
When the Muskegon Chronicle asked to interview our family, we were happy have our trusted friend Susan Harrison Wolffis tell our story. We were surprised, however, to find it the lead story on the front page of the Sunday edition!
Now we're hoping it will save lives.
Parents Choose to Accept Son Over Church and Friends
In 2005, while his parents were getting ready for a Super Bowl party at their home in Spring Lake Township, Ari Beighley asked if his mother had a couple of minutes to talk. Two hours later, mother and son emerged from conversation, their lives irrevocably changed. "Even when we were talking that day, I remember thinking: Things are never going to be the same again in this family," said Ari's mother, Colette Beighley.
"In a sense, everyone had his or her own 'coming out.' " By the end of the year, Ari Beighley's father, the Rev. David Beighley, 56, had his ministerial license "withdrawn" by the West Michigan District of the Wesleyan Church for, among other things, questioning the denomination's position that homosexuality is a sin, he said.
Born and raised in the San Francisco Bay area in the 60s, I have experienced that social change is not only possible but imperative. As the mother of four children -- one of whom is gay -- I take my participation in that change very seriously.
