The Aftermath

"I'm still waiting for your suicide note.

I keep telling myself it just got lost in the mail
Because I can't bear the thought of you leaving
without saying goodbye..."

I found this image on my daughter Chloe's dresser. It was next to pictures of her dear friend Ian whom she lost four months ago. We sat on her bed remembering Ian and cried.

Chloe shared this with me the evening I returned from the state Capitol after "Safe Schools Lobby Day" where the Michigan Safe Schools Coalition gathered to ask the Senate to pass a comprehensive anti-bullying bill. The bill is named "Matt's Safe Schools Law" after an East Lansing 8th grader, Matt Eppling, who took his life following a hazing incident at school.

At "Safe Schools Lobby Day," five different families were on hand -- each whose child had committed suicide after being the victim of bullying. As I talked with these grieving parents, several dynamics became clear to me:

• Most of these parents did not see any warning signs that their child was at risk.
• There is an incredible bond among parents who have suffered the unimaginable loss of a child.
• The pain appears to be the same for these parents no matter how many days or years have passed.

Despite this devastating pain, Ian's family has actively looked for ways to have his friends walk alongside them through the "Journey to Healing." The family hosted an event by that name at school a few weeks ago. This day was filled with many opportunities for friends and family to express the myriad of feelings with which they are left. Some worked out emotions by breaking dishes (Chloe on the right) . . .

or, along with others who loved their friend, celebrated Ian's life through art (Chloe on left).


Grief is a combination of a multitude of feelings and the process is unique for each person. Last year, many of us lost our friend Steve. This week I was contacted by one of Steve's college friends who had just learned of his passing -- learned that Steve had taken his own life. This college friend was overwhelmed by sadness as well as anger.

As I experienced grief this week -- seeing it in my daughter's eyes, hearing it in the gut-wrenching stories of these parents at Lobby Day, or reading it in the words of Steve's college friend-- I am reminded of Ian's family's words, "If he only knew" (how much he was loved).

In the aftermath of these devastating losses, I am left with the question "What can we do?" What can we do to become more aware of the suffering of others? What can we do to make a child's way easier? What can we do to ease the pain of those who are left behind?

• We can celebrate differences and work toward understanding and facing our own fears
• We can become aware that depression can be invisible and talk about it -- educating ourselves first
• We can ask our state senators to pass an anti-bullying bill that protects ALL children
• We can REMEMBER these beautiful lives -- and take action!
  

One of our Beautiful Children is Lost

It is with a heavy heart that I share the tragic loss of one of our community’s beautiful children. Ian, a 16-year old transgender young man from West Michigan, took his own life on Monday, October 29th. Ian's family have been staunch allies and good friends of Triangle Foundation from the beginning of their journey. His mother Amy is a founder of TransYouth Family Advocates , a national organization addressing the issues facing transgender youth and a national partner of Triangle Foundation’s Camping.OUT program.

Ian was one of my daughter Chloe’s dearest friends. He was sensitive, thoughtful, brilliant, hilarious, and painfully shy. Our world is less bright without Ian’s presence. Even with an amazingly supportive and loving family such as Ian had, the youth of our community face an incredibly difficult path. In the United States, every hour an transgender, gay, lesbian, or bisexual (LGBT) youth commits suicide. The statistics for transgender youth are even more harrowing -- according to The Trevor Project, one in two trans youth will attempt suicide.

Ian’s family did everything right. They loved, cared, and advocated for who Ian knew he really was – not just for who society wanted him to be. This community owes Ian's family a debt of gratitude for all that they have done for Ian as well as for all transgender youth.

Triangle Foundation joins our friends at TransYouth Family Advocates in once again renewing our commitment to working with and on behalf of transgender, gay, lesbian, bisexual and questioning youth who, like Ian, are struggling with a society that is often unwilling to accept them for the unique and beautiful people they are. Our work will continue until no young person feels that suicide is their only option.

Please join my family and Triangle Foundation in sending our loving thoughts to Ian’s family, loved ones, and the community which joins them in mourning his loss.

Please join TransYouth Family Advocates and Triangle Foundation
in a Candlelight Vigil in
Celebration of Ian’s Life and the Launch of the Ian Project
Friday evening, November 2nd at 7 p.m.
Black River Public School – Soccer Field
491 Columbia Avenue
Holland, MI 49423

NOTE:

If you are, or you know, a young person thinking of suicide – please know that you are not alone and help is available. Contact The Trevor Project immediately at 1-888-488-7386 or visit http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ for help and more information.