Mostly Sunny with a Chance of Gay

Now THIS is Love!

2008-06-25T19:57:00.025-04:00

Charles Honey, Religion Editor of the Grand Rapids Press, wrote a stunningly beautiful piece this past Saturday entitled "View of Gay Marriage Changes When it's Personal." I read it and cried.

What a beautiful gift Charlie gave this community! His response to his daughter is a magnificent example of how, even though life takes us down roads we might never imagine, unexpected turns can profoundly deepen our love for one another. Kudos to Charlie for his bravery in sharing the following story:

My favorite picture of my daughter, Emily, features her in full Beverly Sills mode.

She is standing by her Fisher-Price record player and happily singing along to a song from Walt Disney's "Cinderella," the book she holds in her hands like a Verdi score. Her head is held high, her chin tilted theatrically upward. She looks like she is singing an aria to thousands at Carnegie Hall, not in our living room singing to me.

That was Emily for you. Ask her to sing a song and she gladly complied, transporting herself to the stage in the process. While other girls her age were rocking to Madonna, Emily dreamed of being Shirley Jones.

Whether watching "Rainbow Brite" on TV, bouncing on the couch to the tune of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" or immersing herself in a Berenstain Bears book, Emily sang and danced and read with a joy that seemed to come from someplace bright and beautiful.

My mom always said Emily dropped from heaven. Emily's mother, Wendy, and I felt she had wisdom beyond her years, as if she came into the world already knowing things.

But what Emily did not have, despite dear friends, was one particular friend, one person who cared more about her than about anyone else in the world. That was a person I very much wanted her to meet, because I did not want Emily to go through this hard world alone.

Finding that special one

Finally, she met that person. Her name is Nicole.

(To read the rest of the story, click here.)

Triangle Responds to Anti-Gay Discrimination at Spectrum Health

2008-06-19T13:26:00.006-04:00

Instead of compassionate medical treatment, Ashleigh Haberman and Erica Schaub received a "lifestyle" lecture from a Spectrum Hospital physician.

The couple went to Spectrum Health South Pavilion Urgent Care Center in Grand Rapids for treatment of Schaub's lingering cold. According to a WOOD TV 8 report, the physician responded in an inappropriate manner asking who Haberman was to Schaub. Ashleigh Haberman and Erica Schaub have made a life-long commitment to each other and were married in Canada. When Schaub explained Haberman was her life partner, the lecture began.

The physician asked for the couple's opinion on the recent California Supreme Court marriage decision and "he proceeded to give his opinion on how he felt that marriage, gay marriage, shouldn't be called a marriage because it's a religious-based word, and he's a Christian, and there's no way that marriage could be considered legal in the gay sense," said Haberman.

"It is reprehensible that anyone would be subjected to religiously-motivated bias when trying to care for their health," said Melissa Pope, Director of Victim Services for Triangle Foundation. "The fear of receiving this kind of discrimination and harassment from medical professionals keeps members of the gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgender community from receiving the comprehensive and compassionate medical attention that every human being deserves."

Spectrum released a statement that the matter is being investigated stating, "We have begun a thorough investigation of this matter. We will review all aspects of this issue. Once this is complete, we will take appropriate action." Triangle Foundation is calling for disciplinary action and an apology from the doctor and/or Spectrum Hospital.

Spectrum's anti-discrimination policy states:

"Spectrum Health has a zero tolerance policy regarding harassment for any discriminatory reason, such as sex, pregnancy, race, color, national origin, disability, age, religion, sexual orientation, marital status, height, weight or any other protected category. Such harassment is strictly prohibited ... Intent or lack of intent to harass is not the determining factor in deciding whether this policy has been violated. Appropriate corrective action will be taken against any individual who violates this policy." The City of Grand Rapids also has a non-discrimination ordinance that may prohibit this form of discrimination.

For the past seventeen years, Triangle Foundation has been serving members of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender communities who have been victims of hate violence, discrimination, harrassment, and/or vandalism. For more information on our work, visit http://www.tri.org/.

Marriage Equality is Golden

2008-06-16T17:01:00.012-04:00

Today at 5:01 p.m. PST, my beloved California will begin allowing gay and lesbian couples to marry and so another Gold Rush begins. Loving, committed couples will begin flocking to The Golden State bringing their rings of gold as well as the gold of an economic boost for the state hosting the weddings.

Meet my friends Bill Voetberg (left) and Tim Straayer (right). They will be celebrating their love and commitment to each other by marrying in California later this summer.

Bill, retired from AT&T, serves the City of Grand Rapids on the Community Relations Commission. Tim is a book editor. Both Tim and Bill are very active in the Grand Rapids Front Runners & Walkers. Additionally, Bill volunteers for Triangle Foundation.

I first met Bill about a year and half ago when he wrote a brilliant article for the Network News on current legislation impacting the LGBT community. After I read the article, I thought, "I have got to meet this guy!" We had lunch and have been friends since. Tim and Bill are downright good people -- smart, compassionate, insightful and a lot of fun. I'm so grateful to know them!

Bill was in a relationship with his partner Harold for over 31 years and cared for Harold until his death six years ago. Harold's family expressed their gratitude to Bill for this care taking and recognized that, without Bill, Harold would have had to have gone into a facility of some kind during his final days. Bill took responsibility for Harold's care because they were a loving, committed couple. After Harold's passing, Bill was unsure he would ever find love again. Enter Tim.

Tim came out later in life and soon thereafter met Bill. The rest is history. Bill and Tim have now been together for three years.

The first time I met Tim, I told him that I thought Bill was amazing -- "I'm kinda crushin' on Bill actually," I said. Tim replied, "Me too!" with a smile that lit up the room! I love these guys and I am so happy that they can express the love they feel and the responsibility they want to take for each other by making a commitment in marriage. (Did I mention this is taking place in CALIFORNIA!?)

So CONGRATULATIONS to two wonderful men! Stay tuned to my blog as I follow Bill and Tim's journey down the aisle.

The Pain of Enlightenment

2008-06-05T17:08:00.010-04:00

Last night community members packed Wealthy Theater in Grand Rapids to view the film "For the Bible Tells Me So" which was followed by a panel discussion. Our panel members included

· Rev. Doug Van Doren, Plymouth Congregational United Church of Christ
· Mary DeRidder, PFLAG (Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays)
· Rev. Jim Lucas, Gays in Faith Together (GIFT)

This morning I received an email from one of my volunteers relating the following story:

“After the movie, there was an older man in the lobby crying because he was ashamed of his church and of his Christian friends and how they have treated members of the LGBT community. I was able to talk with him for a little while and gave him a couple of numbers and websites to check out. Needless to say, he walked away from the movie with some new convictions and support contacts.

He was feeling torn between his upbringing and church and his devotion/acceptance of a couple of his gay friends. He left feeling much more confident and secure about his friends and the LGBT community in general. What a wonderful thing Triangle Foundation, Wealthy Theater, and all involved gave to this elderly man!”

This is a wonderful story and exactly the reason we do the work we do! Speaking from experience, I can say that the price of enlightenment is often – as the gentleman last night experienced – PAIN.

After my son came out to me, I gave him a card and said to him,

“Your coming out IS a crisis for our family. But the crisis is not that you are gay. The crisis is that we have to ask ourselves why our lives have not been more supportive of the gay community and that is very painful.”

Taking a hard look at yourself is difficult stuff. We often don't like the reflection staring back at us from the mirror. But KUDOS to this gentleman and others who are willing to move from enjoying the comfort of opinion to doing the work of thought!

For the Bible Tells Me So

2008-06-03T07:46:00.005-04:00

Join us this Wednesday at 7 p.m. at Wealthy Theater in Grand Rapids for the film "For the Bible Tells Me So." (Doors open at 6 p.m.)

Triangle Foundation will host a panel discussion following the film. Panel members include Rev. Jim Lucas, Gays in Faith Together (GIFT); Rev. Doug Van Doren, Plymouth Congregational United Church of Christ; and Mary DeRidder, PFLAG Holland/Lakeshore.

For more information on this event, click here or call 616-459-4788.

Pride 5K Benefits Triangle Foundation

2008-05-27T13:27:00.004-04:00

Start out Pride Month by joining us this Sunday, June 1st, at Riverside Park in Grand Rapids for the Grand Rapids Front Runners & Walkers Pride 5K Race.

Triangle Foundation's GenerationOUT Scholarship Fund is one of the beneficiaries of this event. Race starts promptly at 9 a.m. For more information or to register, click here.

From there, head to Motor City Pride in Ferndale -- Michigan's largest Pride celebration!

Motor City Pride -- June 1st!

2008-05-25T09:33:00.004-04:00

Mark your calendars!

Gather your carpool buddies!

Next Sunday, June 1st

Downtown Ferndale will be transformed into the largest Pride event in Michigan and you won't want to miss it!

For list of events, click here. See you there!

VICTORY!

2008-05-15T17:17:00.003-04:00

Today the California Supreme Court has struck down the state’s ban on same-sex marriage as unconstitutional, paving the way for California to become the second state where gay and lesbian residents can marry.

In 2000, California passed the discriminatory “Defense of Marriage Act.” The court ruled that the state’s ban on same-sex marriage violates the “fundamental constitutional right to form a family relationship.” The Justices ruled that the state’s “one man/one woman” marriage laws violate the civil rights of same-sex couples. (Twenty-seven states have passed discriminatory marriage amendments.)

The California marriage decision will affect over 36 million people – well over 10% of the nation’s total population – including more than 100,000 same-sex couples in California – one quarter of whom have children (according to the US Census).

In a 4-3 decision, drafted by Chief Justice Ronald George, the court stated: “In light of the fundamental nature of the substantive rights embodied in the right to marry — and their central importance to an individual’s opportunity to live a happy, meaningful, and satisfying life as a full member of society — the California Constitution properly must be interpreted to guarantee this basic civil right to all individuals and couples, without regard to their sexual orientation.”

The California Supreme Court ruled that domestic partnerships are not a substitute for marriage and that same sex couples should be permitted to marry. The court also noted: “Furthermore, in contrast to earlier times, our state now recognizes that an individual’s capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for and raise children does not depend upon the individual’s sexual orientation, and, more generally, that an individual’s sexual orientation — like a person’s race or gender — does not constitute a legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights. We therefore conclude that in view of the substance and significance of the fundamental constitutional right to form a family relationship, the California Constitution properly must be interpreted to guarantee this basic civil right to all Californians, whether gay or heterosexual, and to same-sex couples as well as to opposite-sex couples.” The court’s decision takes effect in 30 days.

California has a rich history of establishing fairness for all. In 1948, the California Supreme Court was the first court in the nation to overturn a state ban on interracial marriage. The California legislature has twice passed bills to allow marriage equality. Gov. Schwarzenegger vetoed both. Today the California Supreme Court Justices did their job to ensure all citizens equal treatment under the law.

City Attorney Dennis Herrera, who argued the case for San Francisco, stated “Today the California Supreme Court took a giant leap to ensure that everybody – not just the state of California, but throughout the country – will have equal treatment under the law.” Most Americans believe marriage equality will be a reality in their lifetimes. Two people in a committed, trusting and loving relationship deserve the dignity and support that come with marriage.

Sadly, here in Michigan, our Supreme Court took a different turn when faced with the opportunity to respect families. Just last week, the Michigan Supreme Court came to a decision that jeopardizes the health care of families in committed relationships. We look forward to the day when committed couples in Michigan have the same chance to legalize their relationships. Triangle Foundation will continue to work for fairness for all families in our state. We are inspired by California and look forward to the day when ALL citizens of Michigan will have the opportunity to realize their hopes and dreams by marrying the person they love.

Collateral Damage

2008-05-03T00:27:00.007-04:00

It's interesting ... the more our kids go through, the tighter they tie their boats together. Our oldest son Nate charts the course.

Here's Nate's most recent blog post in response to several anonymous comments:

Setting the Record Straight

So, I’m going to take a break for a minute from my usual fun and ‘this is what’s cool in our lives’ blog entries and talk about something that is pretty important to me: Family.

As most of you already know, my brother Ari came out as being gay some years ago. What happened in our family and in our lives after that can only be described as awesome, as we began a new journey of self-discovery and awareness. I’m not going to go into any more detail than that, because for each of us, that journey was different.

When Colette became the West Michigan Field Organizer for Triangle Foundation, we were of all extremely proud of her, and we still are. Her work there is amazing and it has been an honor to support her as she continues to bring support and awareness to people both in and out of the LGBT community.

But with this new job came some unexpected (at least to me) publicity. I have to admit, it’s been fun to watch it happen. Listening to the radio shows, reading the news paper articles, the blog entries, and even getting the chance to participate a little bit. It’s exciting!

Unfortunately, there are some people out there who would prefer we all “go back in the closet”. Some harsh things have been said. Most of it I ignore; I prefer just to read the positive things. And besides, no matter what is said and no matter who says it, I believe it is important to remember that each and everyone one of us is on our own journey. I will try my best to not make judgments.

That being said, I want to at least make one thing clear about the moms, dads, brothers and sisters in my life. Read entire post

A Very Courageous Man Speaks the Unspeakable

2008-04-25T15:20:00.006-04:00

When I was in graduate school, I interned for an organization called Incest Help. This was long before the groundbreaking cover of Ms. Magazine featured from front to back the names of incest survivors. At that point, community mental health in San Francisco didn’t know what to do with victims of incest and would send them to “the transvestite clinic.” In an effort to break the silence surrounding incest, members of Incest Help would stand on street corners of the city handing out business cards with organizational information that said:

I know what incest is
and I can help

That was 1980.
Soon another “unspeakable” would enter our lives: AIDS
Soon I would lose three beautiful friends: Bruce, Christopher, and David

It’s been 25 years since the AIDS epidemic began. After a quarter century, we are still in denial, still fearful, still unable to speak about HIV/AIDS openly and competently.

Today is National Day of Silence – a day devoted to shining a light on the suffering endured by our gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, and transgender brothers and sisters. This suffering is the result of a society which is unable to understand and speak openly and competently about sexual orientation and gender variance -- but instead responds out of ignorance and fear .

Today my friend Todd Heywood
has broken the silence on another unspeakable.
Todd has come out in his column on Michigan Messenger
and revealed that he is HIV positive.

I urge you to read Todd’s column and allow yourself to stand for a moment in his shoes – to feel the isolation and fear that accompanies this diagnosis and to challenge yourself to learn and become more compassionate to those who walk this path. I hope you will be able to say Todd and other brave individuals like him who are willing to disclose their status:

I know what HIV is.
I can talk about it competently.
AND, I will stand beside you on your journey.

Larry King Speaks Out!

2008-04-24T18:59:00.007-04:00

National Day of Silence -- April 25th, 2008

Michigan Federal Prosecutor Hagen Victim of Justice Department Injustice

2008-04-02T17:36:00.010-04:00

Michigan's award-winning federal prosecutor, Leslie Hagen, becomes part of the inquiry into the firings of US attorneys at the Justice Department under former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. The inspector general is investigating whether Hagen's contract was not renewed, despite receiving outstanding evaluations, because of rumors regarding her sexual orientation.

Click here for story "Justice Probes Lawyer's Dismissal Amid Gay Rumor."

Click here to read Leslie Hagan's final evaluation at the Executive Office of US Attorneys where she received the highest possible performance rating.

The Aftermath

2008-03-29T09:42:00.016-04:00

"I'm still waiting for your suicide note.

I keep telling myself it just got lost in the mail
Because I can't bear the thought of you leaving
without saying goodbye..."

I found this image on my daughter Chloe's dresser. It was next to pictures of her dear friend Ian whom she lost four months ago. We sat on her bed remembering Ian and cried.

Chloe shared this with me the evening I returned from the state Capitol after "Safe Schools Lobby Day" where the Michigan Safe Schools Coalition gathered to ask the Senate to pass a comprehensive anti-bullying bill. The bill is named "Matt's Safe Schools Law" after an East Lansing 8th grader, Matt Eppling, who took his life following a hazing incident at school.

At "Safe Schools Lobby Day," five different families were on hand -- each whose child had committed suicide after being the victim of bullying. As I talked with these grieving parents, several dynamics became clear to me:

Most of these parents did not see any warning signs that their child was at risk.
There is an incredible bond among parents who have suffered the unimaginable loss of a child.
The pain appears to be the same for these parents no matter how many days or years have passed.

Despite this devastating pain, Ian's family has actively looked for ways to have his friends walk alongside them through the "Journey to Healing." The family hosted an event by that name at school a few weeks ago. This day was filled with many opportunities for friends and family to express the myriad of feelings with which they are left. Some worked out emotions by breaking dishes (Chloe on the right) . . .

or, along with others who loved their friend, celebrated Ian's life through art (Chloe on left).

Grief is a combination of a multitude of feelings and the process is unique for each person. Last year, many of us lost our friend Steve. This week I was contacted by one of Steve's college friends who had just learned of his passing -- learned that Steve had taken his own life. This college friend was overwhelmed by sadness as well as anger.

As I experienced grief this week -- seeing it in my daughter's eyes, hearing it in the gut-wrenching stories of these parents at Lobby Day, or reading it in the words of Steve's college friend-- I am reminded of Ian's family's words, "If he only knew" (how much he was loved).

In the aftermath of these devastating losses, I am left with the question "What can we do?" What can we do to become more aware of the suffering of others? What can we do to make a child's way easier? What can we do to ease the pain of those who are left behind?

We can celebrate differences and work toward understanding and facing our own fears
We can become aware that depression can be invisible and talk about it -- educating ourselves first
We can ask our state senators to pass an anti-bullying bill that protects ALL children
We can REMEMBER these beautiful lives -- and take action!

Cultivating Hate 3: Make Up Stuff

2008-03-10T22:12:00.008-04:00

The pause this Oklahoma State Legislator makes before she foretells the end of civilization in "two decades" is telling. When cultivating hatred, it works well to just fly by the seat of your pants and make up stuff.

If people really know gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals as their friends, neighbors, family -- people whom they love -- it's much more difficult to hate them. Instead, blame the end of the world on them. Make them the "other." That seems to work.

Want to let Rep. Sally Kern know that we're all listening to her hate language? You can. Click here.

Cultivating Hatred 2: A Perfect Example

2008-03-06T08:25:00.015-05:00

Yesterday I received an anonymous comment posted to my blog regarding the Grand Rapids Press article entitled “Warrior Mom.” This comment is just too rich to leave in an obscure location -- I’ve given this message its own post so we can parse it. Here’s the verbatim text:

“to the bloggers, dont believe everything you read. A very important part of that article in the paper is not true, and Mrs. Beighley needs to speak the truth about "her" children....
My son is gay, and my husband and I certianly dont focus on that and that alone as the Beighleys do. They have some REAL issues. GOod luck, and remember to tell the TRUTH. You know what Im talking about, Mrs. B.
oh my, I dont think she will approve this one...........
just goes to show...”

Obviously “readers” are not “bloggers” but we’ll fly past that one.

Let’s dive in. First of all, she writes with such mystery about that which she says is untrue. There is neither further comment nor substantiation. Next.

Onto the “her” children comment: This is some kind of code. Does this refer to my beautiful Ari and Chloe? Well, I was quite present when they were born. They're mine. Or is it a very mean-spirited comment about my stepsons Nate and Collin? If so, I would only say that my relationships with Nathan and Collin are some of the most beautiful gifts I have received in my life and they show me grace and love by calling me “Mom.”

I also consider my daughter-in-law Sarah one of my kids. Is this a challenge to that relationship? If so, I would add that Sarah is one of the great teachers in my life, and anyone who knows her can attest to the fact that she is ferociously loyal to her family. I’m definitely claiming her! As far as children go, I could not forget our beautiful Jeremy who lived with us one winter when living with his own family was no longer possible.

I do not say that these amazing individuals BELONG to me, if that’s the inference. But I would say my life is rich because of each of them. I am grateful to say they are part of my family. And, though I annoy each of them in the ways that mothers do, I sleep just fine at night knowing they would each claim me as well.

Regarding her son being gay: Interestingly enough, in the over 10,000 emails I’ve received in the past three years since Ari’s coming out, when a parent refers to his or her son being gay, it has always been followed by a pronouncement of love. That’s blatantly missing from this writer’s statement.

About the claim our family only focuses on Ari’s being gay, I have this to say. I could read these words and claim that I know something about the writer based on the spelling, grammar, and punctuation challenges presented. But I don’t know her. I don’t know who she loves, who loves her, what she is passionate about. For this writer to say that she knows anything about our family is a statement made in complete ignorance. In fact, if she knew our family, she would never make that claim.

The assertion that our family has real issues and "remember to tell the truth" made me laugh. It brought a visual of some nightmarish first grade teacher standing over a six-year old hoping to shape the child’s behavior by shaming her. The shame thing -- it's a no-go with me. As a family therapist, I believe every family has issues. In fact, those issues are what we call “life” and are woven into the very fabric of our experience. This writer’s statement is both condescending and arrogant … as is calling me “Mrs. B.”

“You know what I’m talking about” is a kind of “I Know What You Did Last Summer” attempted intimidation ... and, again, completely lacking in substance.

David and I have been the recipients of unsolicited and generous media attention in the past year. One of the reasons I believe this is so is that we are willing to lend our names and faces to bring into the light the bigotry that exists in our communities and to say that our gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender brothers and sisters are not only being denied the basic human rights this anonymous writer enjoys but are also daily the victims of discrimination and hate violence.

“Just goes to show”: Just goes to show what? It just goes to show that writing an anonymous comment which trashes someone’s family is an act of cowardice. It just goes to show that hatred is cultivated in the dark places – in places where people say judgmental, ignorant, arrogant, and condemning words while enjoying complete anonymity -- in places where people put white hoods over their heads and conduct heinous acts.

Cultivating Hatred 1

2008-02-23T20:26:00.013-05:00

You've got to be taught
To hate and fear,
You've got to be taught
From year to year,
It's got to be drummed
In your dear little ear
You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught
Before it's too late,
Before you are six or seven or eight,
To hate all the people

Your relatives hate,
You've got to be carefully taught

~ Rodgers & Hammerstein, South Pacific (1958)

October 12th will mark the tenth anniversary of the death of Matthew Shepard, a University of Wyoming college student who was brutally murdered because of his sexual orientation. This post will be the first in a series exploring how we learn to hate.

"Warrior Mom"

2008-02-17T13:50:00.010-05:00

A few days after her 16-year-old son, Ari, told her he's gay, Colette Beighley gave him a book, "Coming Out: An Act of Love."

He read it, then came downstairs to the kitchen, where his sister was hanging out with a friend. "Thanks, Mom," he told Beighley, then put the book face down on the counter, hiding the title. "I flipped the book over, title facing up," Beighley recalls. "I said, 'Ari, that's not how we're gonna live.'" Her life hasn't been the same since.

Read the Sunday, February 17, 2008, Grand Rapids Press article on the Beighley family. Photos from the online and hard copy of the article.

Above David is cooking, and Chloe (16 and incredible) and I are reading the recipe .

This photo was taken on the campus of GVSU at a panel following the film "Anyone and Everyone" -- stories about how families of varying faith traditions as well as ethnicities have handled their child's coming out.

My Ari at eleven months old (drooling all over me), right after we moved to Michigan from the San Francisco Bay Area.

And my handsome Ari now as a sophomore at St. Johns College in Annapolis, Maryland.

This article may be entitled "Warrior Mom" but there could easily be a story on each on of my amazing family members. We have a "Warrior Dad," "Warrior Brothers," "Warrior Sister," "Warrior Sister-in-law." Each is so brave! This story may be about me but consider it in this context: I couldn't have done any of this without the full support of this family.

I love you guys!

Love is Not Enough

2008-02-06T19:52:00.000-05:00

"If you have come here to help me,

you are wasting your time.

But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine,

then let's work together."

~ An Aboriginal woman.

I have the privilege of joining 2,000 other activists from around the country for the "Creating Change" conference in Detroit this week. The first day's agenda was devoted entirely to anti-racism/anti-oppression sessions.

It's startling to me how often we approach helping others with only ourselves in mind:

WE want to help you (whether you have asked or not)

in OUR way

using OUR definition of what's helpful

with OUR worldview

on OUR timetable

to achieve OUR desired outcome.

How little that has to do with the other person! If we look at that process honestly, it's completely arrogant. It sends the message to those for whom we are "caring":

WE know what's best for you

WE'RE smarter and more capable than you are

OUR way is superior to yours

WE can take better care of you than you can of yourself

A couple of years ago, I was completely distraught over the treatment we were receiving after Ari had come out from someone very close to us. (I'll call this person "Frank.") I spoke to a great teacher in my life who then asked me a question and sent me on my way:

Who is Frank?

I puzzled over that question for several weeks. Like a coin, I flipped this person's life story every way I could and thought constantly about what it must be like to be Frank and to have had his life experiences. In the process, I understood this individual in ways I never had; and, as a result, the negative feelings I had been experiencing were replaced with compassion.

The answer to the question, "Who is Frank?"

I am Frank.

Each person's life and suffering is inextricably linked to my own -- including the person who is causing me the most difficulty or the person who makes me feel uncomfortable because he or she is different from me. We are interconnected. And, as a result, I am diminished when others are diminished. I am marginalized when others are marginalized or oppressed -- or any treatment other than being celebrated for the fullness of their unique individuality.

Loving someone isn't enough. It isn't enough if your action or your silence is causing another to be oppressed. Love is intentional. And, it's a lot of work . . . I'm rollin' up my sleeves!

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing,

there is a field.

I will meet you there.”

~ Rumi

The Journey from Fear to Fearlessness

2007-12-23T15:30:00.000-05:00

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
on the Saturday before Christmas, I received a call from Jeff Montgomery offering me the position of West Michigan Field Organizer for Triangle Foundation. I am sure this is one of the best Christmas presents I’ve ever received! Now, almost a year later, I’m snug as a bug in my new Grand Rapids office with volunteers coming and going daily.

What a privilege it is for me to work with the other LGBT organizations in West Michigan; to be available to victims of anti-LGBT violence, harassment, and discrimination; to be a resource for local students and organizations; and to help raise awareness of the policy issues that affect this community.

A few weeks ago, I had two students from a local Bible college come to my office to interview me. They had chosen to study the LGBT community for their presentation on marginalized populations. These students came to the meeting with many questions, a desire to understand, and great kindness. One of my volunteers and I met with these students for two hours answering their questions and providing information. The students were nervous about the reception they would receive from their classmates. We talked about how the anxiety and fear they might feel during their presentation was a taste of what it’s like to be gay in West Michigan EXCEPT … they got to go back to their lives after that hour was over.

For their presentation, the students introduced an LGBT vocabulary, talked about the coming out process, shed a new light on old Bible verses, spoke of discrimination and violence, and then ended with the Anne Lamott quote “You know you’ve created God in your own image when God hates the same people you do.”

After the presentation, I received a long email from one of the students. Some of the statements from that email included:

“We were all nervous but we just prayed about it and knew that what we were saying needed to be shared because it’s the truth. So we did it … you could have heard a pin drop."

The class had so many questions that everyone stayed for 45 more minutes after class had ended. The debriefing email to me continued with this amazing statement:

“My group gathered afterwards and we all shared with each other that we knew what we had done was right … now I find myself filled with this passion for the GLBT community and in a way this assignment became personal and in a way it was my 'coming out.'”

What a gift these students gave me!

The message became more important than the feelings. They pushed right past their fear into fearlessness.

THIS HOLIDAY SEASON . . .
I am sure that the bravery and compassion of these students will be this year’s best Christmas present!

Finding Jeremy

2007-12-05T14:13:00.000-05:00

26% of gay youth are forced to leave their home because of conflicts with family over their sexual identities. (The Journal of Pediatrics, “Male Homosexuality: The Adolescent’s Perspective”)

Two years ago today, our family grew by one member – we added Jeremy to our mix! I am celebrating this anniversary by asking Jeremy to share his story as my guest blogger.

I first learned about Jeremy in November 2005 when he contacted our (welcoming and affirming) church. Jeremy had stated in his email, “My Mom hates your church so I’m thinking it may be right for me." Jeremy and I set up a time to get together.

I walked in to that appointment and met the most adorable young man. I found Jeremy to be sincere, bright, articulate, and delightful. For the next two hours, he shared his story with me. My heart broke. When I returned home, my family wanted to know all about Jeremy. A few days later, after I had been in touch with his older sister in California who had been sending him money to help him survive, we invited him over for dinner to meet the family. Soon we invited him to live with us.

During that winter, Jeremy became a full-fledged family member: he helped with chores, hung out with us, fought with his new siblings, and made me crazy just like the other two adolescents in the family! One of my sweetest possessions is a photo the three kids had taken at the mall – all sitting on Santa’s lap! That photo anchors in our family’s history the time we shared with Jeremy. Jeremy returned to his parent’s home in the spring. Here is Jeremy’s story in his own words:

"They say that everything happens for a reason. My story begins on December 30, 2004. I had just finished one of the most powerful letters of my life. It was my step toward honesty; moving forward from where I’d been to become who I knew I was. I had written my coming out letter, quietly sent it to the printer downstairs, and gently placed in on the dining room table around 2 a.m. I crept back upstairs quietly and lay down in my bed. The next six hours consisted of tears, drifting in and out of consciousness, nightmares, cold sweats, and silent prayers to a dark and quiet room.

I tiptoed downstairs in the morning and quietly sat on the living room couch. My mom finally noticed me and nonchalantly smiled saying, “Jerm! Good morning! We got your letter. Let me get dad so we can talk about this.” I don’t want to go into details, but the following conversation consisted of things like: “This is just a phase,” and “We’ll help you work through this,” and “God loves you.” I repeatedly told them it wasn’t a phase, told them this was me, but my words fell on closed ears as they babbled away with religious words to make themselves feel better.

The next few months were chaotic. The New Year began and I pursued it with incredible strength. I had a new lease on life. Things at home weren’t as positive, however. Every month had some explosion about me burning in hell and their love for me and not wanted me to go to hell. Countless nights I tore myself apart … feeling guilty for making them feel this way, despising myself, and wishing I could make myself into someone they would love. And, at the same time, knowing who I was and knowing that it was ok to be me.

September 27, 2005 was the day I was left with impossible options. The 23rd had been my 17th birthday and I was on cloud nine. I had just gotten a car for my birthday, I got to see my boyfriend, and spend time with friends and family! I came home on the 27th to hear the whir of my mother vacuuming my room. My desk was torn apart, and she didn’t look happy. She turned off the vacuum and made her confrontation. “Who is Caleb?” Caleb was my boyfriend and apparently she had found a card from my friends that said something along the lines of “I’m so glad you get to see Caleb this weekend!” This then led to my explaining Caleb and thus breaking the ice I had been tiptoeing on for months. My mother was furious. “We’ll get you counseling. You can’t live this way!” I told her I wasn’t going to get “straight” counseling or anything like that. Leaving me the option of conforming to her beliefs and staying, or living my life and leaving … I left.

I moved in with my best friend’s family. This was also when I made some of the most self-destructive decisions of my life: drugs, alcohol, self mutilation, and an attempt at suicide with sleeping pills. Eventually I had a realization around Thanksgiving. I was hurting myself. I had to get help. This is when I took the step and emailed a local supporting church. This is how I met one of the most influential and amazing people in my life, Colette Beighley.

I met Colette at a local coffee shop and unloaded my life story. Her interest and compassion meant a lot to me. I was invited to make gingerbread houses at her home. At our next meeting, I was invited to move in. Trusting my gut, I made another move and life change. The Beighley’s pursuit of excellence for their children amazed me. They helped me find a passion for life that I never knew was possible. They went out of their way to make me feel cared for. They were not just a place to live but family in the truest definition.

I lived with them from December to April. During that time, I developed a new sense of confidence as I created and refined the person I was. That spring I did something entirely out my comfort zone and joined track. My grades in school continued to be amazing and I began to form priorities that involved bettering my future. The Beighleys gave me the courage, strength, and compassion to be me and live my life.

In April, my parents and I started to talk about my being able to come back. I made stipulations. I wouldn’t have to go to church anymore. My mother said that she could not change her views. I’d basically still have to listen to her beliefs everyday. I was at a different place though. I was strong enough to deal with that. I moved back in and said goodbye to the Beighleys. It was really hard because they had given me so much. I knew it would be good to move back with my parents and try to break the stereotypes I knew they had.

Things went fairly well. There would be guilt trips and small fights but, for the most part, it was ok! I love my parents very much and would never want it to be interpreted otherwise. We are very different people and, in some ways, very much the same in that we are held strong by what we believe.

I graduated from high school in June 2007 and moved to California on July 1st. I moved in with my sister and have continued my education in the Bay Area. I continue to grow and learn so much about people and life. Without all these experiences, I don’t think I’d be where I am today. I’ve learned that everything happens for a reason. They happen because life is about growing and creating and loving who we are."

Thank you, Jeremy, for sharing your story. We love you! One of the things that drew me to working with Triangle Foundation is their commitment to helping young people like Jeremy every day. In celebration of his time with us and this important family anniversary - I hope you'll join me in supporting our work.

Letters to the Editor VIII: Editor puts an end to "gay family" letters

2007-11-05T14:23:00.000-05:00

After 16 weeks of conversation, the editor decides these are the last of the Letters to the Editor regarding the original article about our family.
(See editor's comments below).

Friday, October 12, 2007

More reader reverberations over 'gay' letter

Tuesday, October 16, 2007
The Bible is very clear about sin

Friday, October 26, 2007
Attitudes toward homosexuality said to shift
Mayor George Heartwell speaks out about the changing attitudes in West Michigan

Sunday, November 4, 2007
Muskegon Chronicle editor puts an end to the letters

"Editor's note: This heavily edited letter is the last on this subject we will be running for a while. We need to give the Pastor Cross-"gay family" controversy a rest in order to catch up with our letters backlog. Thanks to all our writers for contributing to what has been a very interesting dialogue."

Soulforce posted original article on their blog followed by this quote:

"Still, the Bible is like a mirror. You end up reading it not as a reflection of how it is but of how you are. If you're a bigoted, narrow person, you will find bigotry in the Bible." D. Tammet

Remembering Ian

2007-11-03T23:03:00.001-04:00

My dear Chloe and her friend Raissa

remembering their sweet friend Ian

Saturday, November 3, 2007 -- Front page of the Holland Sentinel

MOURNERS REMEMBER THEIR FRIEND

"Ian was the shiz," said Chloe Beighley, a Black River junior. "He was really funny."

"He always knew when to make a person smile," said Raissa Permesang, also a junior.

To view WOOD-TV's coverage of the vigil entitled "Remembering Ian," click here.