Collateral Damage

It's interesting ... the more our kids go through, the tighter they tie their boats together. Our oldest son Nate charts the course.

Here's Nate's most recent blog post in response to several anonymous comments:

Setting the Record Straight

So, I’m going to take a break for a minute from my usual fun and ‘this is what’s cool in our lives’ blog entries and talk about something that is pretty important to me: Family.

As most of you already know, my brother Ari came out as being gay some years ago. What happened in our family and in our lives after that can only be described as awesome, as we began a new journey of self-discovery and awareness. I’m not going to go into any more detail than that, because for each of us, that journey was different.

When Colette became the West Michigan Field Organizer for Triangle Foundation, we were of all extremely proud of her, and we still are. Her work there is amazing and it has been an honor to support her as she continues to bring support and awareness to people both in and out of the LGBT community.

But with this new job came some unexpected (at least to me) publicity. I have to admit, it’s been fun to watch it happen. Listening to the radio shows, reading the news paper articles, the blog entries, and even getting the chance to participate a little bit. It’s exciting!

Unfortunately, there are some people out there who would prefer we all “go back in the closet”. Some harsh things have been said. Most of it I ignore; I prefer just to read the positive things. And besides, no matter what is said and no matter who says it, I believe it is important to remember that each and everyone one of us is on our own journey. I will try my best to not make judgments.

That being said, I want to at least make one thing clear about the moms, dads, brothers and sisters in my life. Read entire post

A Very Courageous Man Speaks the Unspeakable

When I was in graduate school, I interned for an organization called Incest Help. This was long before the groundbreaking cover of Ms. Magazine featured from front to back the names of incest survivors. At that point, community mental health in San Francisco didn’t know what to do with victims of incest and would send them to “the transvestite clinic.” In an effort to break the silence surrounding incest, members of Incest Help would stand on street corners of the city handing out business cards with organizational information that said:

I know what incest is
and I can help

That was 1980.
Soon another “unspeakable” would enter our lives: AIDS
Soon I would lose three beautiful friends: Bruce, Christopher, and David

It’s been 25 years since the AIDS epidemic began. After a quarter century, we are still in denial, still fearful, still unable to speak about HIV/AIDS openly and competently.

Today is National Day of Silence – a day devoted to shining a light on the suffering endured by our gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, and transgender brothers and sisters. This suffering is the result of a society which is unable to understand and speak openly and competently about sexual orientation and gender variance -- but instead responds out of ignorance and fear .

Today my friend Todd Heywood
has broken the silence on another unspeakable.
Todd has come out in his column on Michigan Messenger
and revealed that he is HIV positive.

I urge you to read Todd’s column and allow yourself to stand for a moment in his shoes – to feel the isolation and fear that accompanies this diagnosis and to challenge yourself to learn and become more compassionate to those who walk this path. I hope you will be able to say Todd and other brave individuals like him who are willing to disclose their status:

I know what HIV is.
I can talk about it competently.
AND, I will stand beside you on your journey.

Larry King Speaks Out!

National Day of Silence -- April 25th, 2008

Michigan Federal Prosecutor Hagen Victim of Justice Department Injustice

Michigan's award-winning federal prosecutor, Leslie Hagen, becomes part of the inquiry into the firings of US attorneys at the Justice Department under former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. The inspector general is investigating whether Hagen's contract was not renewed, despite receiving outstanding evaluations, because of rumors regarding her sexual orientation.

Click here for story "Justice Probes Lawyer's Dismissal Amid Gay Rumor."

Click here to read Leslie Hagan's final evaluation at the Executive Office of US Attorneys where she received the highest possible performance rating.

The Aftermath

"I'm still waiting for your suicide note.

I keep telling myself it just got lost in the mail
Because I can't bear the thought of you leaving
without saying goodbye..."

I found this image on my daughter Chloe's dresser. It was next to pictures of her dear friend Ian whom she lost four months ago. We sat on her bed remembering Ian and cried.

Chloe shared this with me the evening I returned from the state Capitol after "Safe Schools Lobby Day" where the Michigan Safe Schools Coalition gathered to ask the Senate to pass a comprehensive anti-bullying bill. The bill is named "Matt's Safe Schools Law" after an East Lansing 8th grader, Matt Eppling, who took his life following a hazing incident at school.

At "Safe Schools Lobby Day," five different families were on hand -- each whose child had committed suicide after being the victim of bullying. As I talked with these grieving parents, several dynamics became clear to me:

• Most of these parents did not see any warning signs that their child was at risk.
• There is an incredible bond among parents who have suffered the unimaginable loss of a child.
• The pain appears to be the same for these parents no matter how many days or years have passed.

Despite this devastating pain, Ian's family has actively looked for ways to have his friends walk alongside them through the "Journey to Healing." The family hosted an event by that name at school a few weeks ago. This day was filled with many opportunities for friends and family to express the myriad of feelings with which they are left. Some worked out emotions by breaking dishes (Chloe on the right) . . .

or, along with others who loved their friend, celebrated Ian's life through art (Chloe on left).


Grief is a combination of a multitude of feelings and the process is unique for each person. Last year, many of us lost our friend Steve. This week I was contacted by one of Steve's college friends who had just learned of his passing -- learned that Steve had taken his own life. This college friend was overwhelmed by sadness as well as anger.

As I experienced grief this week -- seeing it in my daughter's eyes, hearing it in the gut-wrenching stories of these parents at Lobby Day, or reading it in the words of Steve's college friend-- I am reminded of Ian's family's words, "If he only knew" (how much he was loved).

In the aftermath of these devastating losses, I am left with the question "What can we do?" What can we do to become more aware of the suffering of others? What can we do to make a child's way easier? What can we do to ease the pain of those who are left behind?

• We can celebrate differences and work toward understanding and facing our own fears
• We can become aware that depression can be invisible and talk about it -- educating ourselves first
• We can ask our state senators to pass an anti-bullying bill that protects ALL children
• We can REMEMBER these beautiful lives -- and take action!
  

Cultivating Hate 3: Make Up Stuff

The pause this Oklahoma State Legislator makes before she foretells the end of civilization in "two decades" is telling. When cultivating hatred, it works well to just fly by the seat of your pants and make up stuff.

If people really know gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals as their friends, neighbors, family -- people whom they love -- it's much more difficult to hate them. Instead, blame the end of the world on them. Make them the "other." That seems to work.

Want to let Rep. Sally Kern know that we're all listening to her hate language? You can. Click here.

Cultivating Hatred 2: A Perfect Example

Yesterday I received an anonymous comment posted to my blog regarding the Grand Rapids Press article entitled “Warrior Mom.” This comment is just too rich to leave in an obscure location -- I’ve given this message its own post so we can parse it. Here’s the verbatim text:

“to the bloggers, dont believe everything you read. A very important part of that article in the paper is not true, and Mrs. Beighley needs to speak the truth about "her" children....
My son is gay, and my husband and I certianly dont focus on that and that alone as the Beighleys do. They have some REAL issues. GOod luck, and remember to tell the TRUTH. You know what Im talking about, Mrs. B.
oh my, I dont think she will approve this one...........
just goes to show...”

Obviously “readers” are not “bloggers” but we’ll fly past that one.

Let’s dive in. First of all, she writes with such mystery about that which she says is untrue. There is neither further comment nor substantiation. Next.

Onto the “her” children comment: This is some kind of code. Does this refer to my beautiful Ari and Chloe? Well, I was quite present when they were born. They're mine. Or is it a very mean-spirited comment about my stepsons Nate and Collin? If so, I would only say that my relationships with Nathan and Collin are some of the most beautiful gifts I have received in my life and they show me grace and love by calling me “Mom.”

I also consider my daughter-in-law Sarah one of my kids. Is this a challenge to that relationship? If so, I would add that Sarah is one of the great teachers in my life, and anyone who knows her can attest to the fact that she is ferociously loyal to her family. I’m definitely claiming her! As far as children go, I could not forget our beautiful Jeremy who lived with us one winter when living with his own family was no longer possible.

I do not say that these amazing individuals BELONG to me, if that’s the inference. But I would say my life is rich because of each of them. I am grateful to say they are part of my family. And, though I annoy each of them in the ways that mothers do, I sleep just fine at night knowing they would each claim me as well.

Regarding her son being gay: Interestingly enough, in the over 10,000 emails I’ve received in the past three years since Ari’s coming out, when a parent refers to his or her son being gay, it has always been followed by a pronouncement of love. That’s blatantly missing from this writer’s statement.

About the claim our family only focuses on Ari’s being gay, I have this to say. I could read these words and claim that I know something about the writer based on the spelling, grammar, and punctuation challenges presented. But I don’t know her. I don’t know who she loves, who loves her, what she is passionate about. For this writer to say that she knows anything about our family is a statement made in complete ignorance. In fact, if she knew our family, she would never make that claim.

The assertion that our family has real issues and "remember to tell the truth" made me laugh. It brought a visual of some nightmarish first grade teacher standing over a six-year old hoping to shape the child’s behavior by shaming her. The shame thing -- it's a no-go with me. As a family therapist, I believe every family has issues. In fact, those issues are what we call “life” and are woven into the very fabric of our experience. This writer’s statement is both condescending and arrogant … as is calling me “Mrs. B.”

“You know what I’m talking about” is a kind of “I Know What You Did Last Summer” attempted intimidation ... and, again, completely lacking in substance.

David and I have been the recipients of unsolicited and generous media attention in the past year. One of the reasons I believe this is so is that we are willing to lend our names and faces to bring into the light the bigotry that exists in our communities and to say that our gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender brothers and sisters are not only being denied the basic human rights this anonymous writer enjoys but are also daily the victims of discrimination and hate violence.

“Just goes to show”: Just goes to show what? It just goes to show that writing an anonymous comment which trashes someone’s family is an act of cowardice. It just goes to show that hatred is cultivated in the dark places – in places where people say judgmental, ignorant, arrogant, and condemning words while enjoying complete anonymity -- in places where people put white hoods over their heads and conduct heinous acts.